Dear Qantas, Singapore Airlines, etcetera, writes Sarah Kilkelly in this week's Uptown Girl.
To whom it may concern, basically.
I am assuming that if I were flying somewhere on one of your plane-thingies I would be going overseas and obviously would be spending quite a bit of time cooped up in what I like to affectionately call a death trap.
By hour two I am generally drunk, angry as all hell and trying to justify the $10,000 fine for sneaking a fag in the toilets.
I am also usually trying to work out whether I am actually allowed back into the country I am flying to and am imagining a Schapelle Corby-yet-with-fatter-bum-and-less-slutty-eyebrows scenario awaiting me instead of the giant gin and tonic and seven cigarettes I usually have on my way to the luggage carousel.
Bearing all of this in mind, I would like you to rethink your "man and lone child = bad" policy and realise that just because I am a woman, that in no way guarantees the physical or mental safety of some little brat plonked next to me who would try to a) Talk or b) Move at least once during a long-haul flight to distant lands. Or even a three-hour hop to Seeedneee for the rugger.
If the bloody parents are so worried about their little amoeba they shouldn't throw it at the nearest airplane and send it off to see granny all by itself.
I can hardly be trusted to fly alone and I'm almost thir ... twenty.
The squealer would probably be safer sitting next to a scary-looking, filthy old man in a trench coat who is reading a battered copy of American Psycho whilst making notes in a bloodstained notebook than next to me, harmless as I may seem.
Just because I have ovaries does not mean I am nice to the kiddies.
Haven't you people read The Witches?
Thanks for your time. Love, Sarah.
PS Qantas, your name is stupid and confusing with no u after the q. Typical Australians trying to be interesting.
PPS All of Britain: If Crazy Frog gets the Christmas No 1 I shall personally come over there and give you all either a chinese burn or a dead leg or a horsie bite on the knee. Baaaaaaaaaaah.